
“I am the emperor, and I want dumplings.” -Holy Roman Emperor Ferdinand I, fiercely Catholic leader of much of Central & Eastern Europe during the late 1500′s

“Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.” -Legendary American film-maker Woody Allen as Larry Lipton in his 1993 film Manhattan Murder Mystery

“Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.” -Oscar Wilde, 19th century Irish trouble-maker, playwright, author, and style icon

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.” -Infamously unhinged renegade Tyler Durden in American author Chuck Palahniuk’s 1996 novel Fight Club

“Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.” -George Carlin, American comedian, potty-mouth, and mentor-from-the-future

“The hen is the egg’s way of making another egg.” -Victorian-era thinker, amateur evolutionist, utopian, and writer Samuel Butler

“Now take your wiener schnitzel lickin’ finger and point out on this map what I want to know.” -Mr. Pitt-comma-Bradley as Southern-born scalper Lt. Aldo Raine, getting very serious about his desire for Nazi whereabouts in Quentin Tarantino’s 2009 box-office smash Inglorious Basterds

“Ribs? Great…..why don’t you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?” -Late American actress Estelle Getty as pint-sized Sicilian pistol Sophia Petrillo on the brilliant 80′s sitcom The Golden Girls

“People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it’s impossible to count them accurately.” -Oscar Wilde, 19th century Irish writer, sexually ambiguous lover of beauty, and total brat

“It was a meal that we shall never forget; more accurately, it was several meals that we shall never forget, because it went beyond the gastronomic frontiers of anything we had ever experienced, both in quantity and length. It started with homemade pizza – not one, but three: anchovy, mushroom, and cheese, and it was obligatory to have a slice of each.” -Peter Mayle, British writer and ex-advertising industry drone, in his famous book A Year in Provence

“Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.” -John Steinbeck, American novelist and writer of one of my most all-time most favoritest books (I have a lot of those), East of Eden

“On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use….Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. “Is thems the thoughts of cows?” I’d ask the butcher, pointing to the calves’ brains displayed in the front window. “I want me some lamb chop with handles on ‘em.” -David Sedaris, American story-teller and frequent NPR contributor, in his year 2000 essay collection Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Mmmmm…..unexplained bacon.” -Homer Simpson, Renaissance (Every)Man, beer guzzler, patriarch of The Simpsons family, and die-hard bacon fanatic

“If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew, just go right along and you’ll start happening too.” -Dr. Seuss, pseudonym of American writer/illustrator Theodor Seuss Geisel, writer of (hands, like, totally down) my most beloved and revered children’s books ever in the history of…..ever

I have always wished that I had gotten a chance to know my Uncle Jim better. I know him mostly through stories that my father would tell me about his big brother, as we never lived in the same city and he died tragically from cancer when I was a teenager. According to my father, [...]