
“I have to quit these peas. Peas are no good for me, I better try corn or beans.” -Stephen King, American master of horror, fantasy, and suspenseful writing, in his best-selling 1994 novel Insomnia

“Well, it’s mostly lentils, but there’s some crockery mixed in.” -Nigel Planer as politically depressed neu-hippie Neil Pye in the early-80′s BBC Britcom comedy of manners The Young Ones

“I benefit from the Mr. Potato Head syndrome. Put a wig and a nose and glasses on me, and I disappear.” -Phil Hartman, immensely talented and sadly passed-before-his-time Canadian-American comedian, actor, and alum of such awesomeness as SNL, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, and The Simpsons

“Making sex is like a Chinese dinner – it ain’t over ’til you both get your cookies.” -The incomparable Alec Baldwin as Old Man Dunphy in the Farrelly Brothers’ 1999 comedy Outside Providence

“The time has come,’ the walrus said, ‘to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings.” -Lewis Carroll, British author, clergyman, mathematician, and photographer, from his classic book Through the Looking Glass

“He puts some MacAttack Mac & Cheese in the microwave and dons headphones and takes out a video game so he won’t be bored during the forty seconds it takes his lunch to cook.” -George Saunders, awesome American writer/satirist, from his 2006 short story collection In Persuasion Nation

“To make a good salad is to be a brilliant diplomatist – the problem is entirely the same in both cases. To know exactly how much oil one must put with one’s vinegar.” -Oscar Wilde, Irish rabble-rouser, author, playwright, and poet

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.” -Douglas Adams, British author, satirist, and mastermind of the incredible “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say ‘Oh, you mean this?’ and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?” -Jack Handey, American author and humorist

“Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones that eat broccoli.” -Bill Cosby, American comedian & author